Dictionary.com offers the following definition of Grief:

Grief [greef], Noun.

1. Keen mental suffering over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

Synonyms include: mourning, aching, bereavement, weeping, darkness, heartbreak, anguish, pain, regret, despair, heartache, sadness, sorrow.

You get the idea.

Today’s post is a bit heavier than normal. No sparkling sunshine or Top 10 lists. This is about reality. Emotion. The time when life turns up the suckage meter into the red zone.

Today I learned that two people I know, two people who were very dear to me and had a tremendous impact on my life, both passed away. This morning. Both were very faithful men of God, taken too soon. Both brought love and laughter into just about every life they touched. They lived true to their beliefs and made the world a better place for having been in it. I want to spend today celebrating their memories, but given that the wounds are still so fresh, instead I’m spending the day vacillating between dripping tears on my keyboard and being really pissed off at God. Which got me to thinking a lot about the grieving process. And God.

One of these men was dealing with end stage prostate cancer, in his early 60s, and the other I haven’t yet learned the cause. He was older. Suffice it to say that it doesn’t matter. Both were taken too soon, and both were fantastic people. I know we never hear anyone talk about what a jerk someone was after they’ve gone - for some reason everyone becomes a fantastic person in death. But these guys were the real deal.

In our quest to form and forge the life we think we should be living, we often lose sight of what’s really important. We get so caught up with other people’s expectations, with our own egos, and with material or superficial things, that we forget what actually matters. Tell me - if you were on your deathbed tomorrow, would you really care if you ate that piece of cake? Regret not buying that 12th pair of designer jeans? Or missed your workout last Tuesday? What about the people you’re leaving behind? Have you told them how much you love them - and really, really meant it? I watch people rush through life (including myself), often too busy to remember that it is such a brief stay on this planet. One of the synonyms associated with Grief is Regret. Boy, that’s a big word. And it’s a real bitch to deal with. Let me tell you about it.

When I was 19 years old I lost my mother to cancer (melanoma). She was 48. While she was sick and deteriorating right before my eyes, I wasn’t equipped to deal with what was happening. She had gone to great lengths to protect me from having to deal with difficult things in life, so I didn’t have any coping skills. Because of that, I avoided her. I let others take care of her at every opportunity, because I didn’t want to deal with the icky side of a dying person’s demise. As it turns out, she did exactly the same thing with her own mother when she was dying of cancer, so I know she understood exactly what was happening. She gave me a strange and vague apology once when we were chatting together, and in hindsight I realise that she was forgiving herself and giving me permission to deal with the situation the way I was. Unfortunately, I didn’t realise that until I was much older, and so I tortured myself with years of regret after she died. I regretted not having spent those extra moments with her when I had the chance; I regretted not telling her I loved her one more time; I regretted all the times I had been a stroppy teenager and hurt her feelings. And so on. If only I had known.

Death is a fact of life. We’re all dying, and I think that’s something that’s easily forgotten. We are all one day closer to death today than we were yesterday. Some of us are just given a longer waiting period than others. So when I get angry and question God as to why he can let such good people suffer, I forget that it’s the wrong question. There’s an awful lot of suffering in the Bible. Suffering is one of the things that brings us together and makes us human. But I still want to know WHY. So today I am hurt and sad and angry and trying to get past asking that question over and over again. Maybe it’s through suffering that we are all supposed to connect and learn to share more love with each other. I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. I’m not an especially religious person, so it’s easy for me to get angry with God. Sometimes I envy my friends who have such strong faith, who believe that we don’t need to know why, just that it’s God’s will. But that’s not how my mind works, so I’ll keep asking. And I’ll let you know if I ever get an answer.

As for grief, well, I’ve realised that there are many different forms of it. And many different reasons for it. We all need to grieve in our own way. Some people are afraid to feel the heartache and pain and express it through anger instead. There are those who throw themselves into work or some other activity to avoid dealing with it altogether. Some folks will not only let themselves feel the pain, but will end up staying there, not knowing how to move past it. Me? I think either I’ve never learned, or I have forgotten how to grieve. So today has been quite a journey.

I do know one thing for certain. Grief WILL express itself one way or another. I found that with my mother. I spent days being depressed, not leaving the house, and burying my emotions in large quantities of food. It didn’t help. So after a week or two, I moved on to denial. I spent quite a long time there - many months, actually - until one day, my brain decided for me. I remember it very well. These days it probably would be called a Breakdown, but at the time I knew it was just Grief telling me it was time. I cried violently, sobbed, screamed, wailed, and let it all out for about 14 hours straight. No joke. It was a cathartic experience, but one I don’t ever want to repeat again. Which is why I think I’m a little bit afraid of Grief. Nobody likes feeling like a hot mess. Nobody likes to feel their heart being torn apart. Nobody likes feeling emptiness and sorrow, and some folks are really averse to crying. But trust me, cry we must. Because if you don’t allow yourself to invite Grief to visit and pass through you, it will invite itself, and you might not like the way it does.

Today I uncharacteristically reached out for help because I didn’t like where my feelings were taking me. It made a huge difference (thanks again y’all). I know that Grief has come to stay for a while, and I know this is going to be a process I need to work through. At the moment, Grief and Guilt are sitting side by side together with me, and I’m not sure how long they’ll stay. But I’m going to welcome them with open arms, ask them what’s up, and see if I can get a few answers from either of them. And maybe even from God.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I’ve finally figured out that there is still some grieving I’ve not done in my life, and it’s all coming to the fore today as I grieve the loss of these two men. So I would suggest that you put some effort into finding a way to grieve that suits you. Grieve for those you haven’t grieved for yet, for parts of your life you’ve had to let go of, or anything else that you haven’t dealt with, and allow yourself to really experience the process. The more open you are, the more complete the healing will be. This time I’m going to stop fighting it and let it happen.

I believe that those we’ve lost are still with us, cheering us on and just waiting for us to become the people they’ve always known we are. They wouldn’t want us wallowing in sorrow or self-pity, and I think you’ll agree that remembering the happy times is a lot more fun. But we have to “feel all the feelz” in order to get there. And moving past Grief doesn’t diminish the loss or their memory. In fact, I think it strengthens it.

I hope the lessons from the loss of these two incredible people today will bring me a bit more wisdom, and even more joy as I relish their memories and the richness they brought into my life. And I hope you find the same things in yours.

Have a health of a day.

Juli