The Hole Story
About a 6 minute read
I’ve been watching and listening and experiencing all that goes along with the COVID-19 pandemic, and as with many others, it has me doing some deep thinking. I’m learning a lot during this time. I don’t mean that I’ve been taking classes or studying books. I’m learning from life, from others, and from my own experiences.
When all this started, we (here in Italy) were sort of the “Canary in the Coal Mine” and hoped that other countries would learn from our delay in taking appropriate precautionary measures. They didn’t. And now that so many in the world are under quarantine, isolation, hibernation, or whatever you want to call it, there is a wide variety of experiences coming out of all of it. We are all different, and we are all the same.
Some people are taking this time to better themselves. They are focused on losing weight and/or getting into shape. Others are tackling long-neglected projects, playing with their kids more, or even reuniting and reacquainting themselves with spouses they rarely saw due to life’s many demands. Some are not as fortunate, battling mental illness alone, dealing with abusive family members, or simply struggling to figure out where their next meal is coming from.
When this is all over, the world will be a very different place. I hope it will change for the better. However, despite my reputation as a Pollyanna, I also am a bit of a cynic with a sense of humour that is pretty sarcastic and, at times, somewhat dark. What I do know is this: people will be better to each other, positive social experiences will increase, hugging will resume, retail, restaurant, and bar businesses will thrive (after an “easing in” period), and hairdressers will be the new “front line” as people catch up with their quaffing and coiffing. Life will feel incredibly sweet. For a while. Until we forget again, until we start taking things for granted, and until we’re faced with another reason to behave differently.
Why am I saying all that? Because I want you to think. I want you to never forget. I want you to decide, right now, how you will be different and how you will help make the world a better place. How have your priorities changed? What is most important to you now? And how will you not let that slip away once the demands of “normal” life start pulling at you again?
Personally, I have learned that there is a lot I can do without. I don’t need fancy clothes, I don’t need makeup, jewelry, 200 pairs of shoes, a fancy car, fancy china, etc. Actually, I knew all of that before, and this isolation has reminded me just how much that is true. I’m ready to purge a lot of the excess in my life. In fairness, I am extremely blessed - I live in a big house, we have a big yard, and we’re not worried about whether we can put food on the table. But who knows whether that reality will change for us afterward?
As a nutrition and wellness coach my main question, of course, is how is your attitude toward your health changing? What are you doing to improve it, and what will you do to maintain it when this is over? Are you changing your habits now? If not, when and how will you change them? A high percentage of the people who are dying from the virus have underlying health issues like high blood pressure, diabetes, various types of cancers, etc. Many of those conditions can be avoided and possibly even reversed by lifestyle changes. I know I harp on this a lot, but it’s only because I care. It’s why I chose to be a nutrition and wellness coach. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help.
I’m reminded of a favourite exercise I did as both a client and as a coaching student with Precision Nutrition, called Spheres of Control (click here if you want to read a great article about it). Before all this started, a lot of us liked to think we were in control of our own destiny. Many self-help gurus continue to tell us we can have, do, and be anything we want if we visualize it and work hard enough. And in some ways that is true, but when we get down to the bare bones of life, reality may tell us a different story. Does that mean you shouldn’t try? Absolutely not! I do visualization exercises all the time. I recite affirmations. I have a vision board. And I’m going to do everything in my power to make my dreams a reality. However, over the course of pursuing my dreams, I know there are going to be obstacles. Roadblocks. Frustrations. Failures. And understanding how these work and knowing what to do about them allows me a lot more freedom to pursue those goals and dreams.
Put another way, it’s a lot like riding a bike. There are obstacles to get over, through, or around, whether you’re riding on a trail or on the road. A lesson I learned early in my cycling days was that if you focus on the thing you don’t want to hit, that’s exactly where your wheel is going to go. It’s better to focus instead on where you do want to go, which will take your wheel safely in the right direction. It sounds simplistic, but it’s absolutely true, and on a bike it works every time. I think life is the same way. We are more likely to attract whatever we focus on. There’s a powerful saying that has been attributed to both Mahatma Ghandi and Lao Tzu:
Watch your thoughts because they become words.
Watch your words, because they become actions.
Watch your actions, because they become habits.
Watch your habits, because they become your values.
Watch your values, because they become your destiny.
We can’t possibly control everything. If nothing else, this virus has (or should have) taught us that. We sit here at home in Italy, unable to leave our own yard and go for a walk. I’m writing this on day 32 of these restrictions, and there’s no real end in sight yet, although it does look like things are finally taking a turn for the better. So what does that mean? Well, while I can’t control what is going on outside the boundaries of our yard, I can control what I do. I can learn to control my response to things that happen. I can use the time productively. I also can allow myself to practice a bit of self-compassion on days when it’s hard to feel emotionally present enough to be productive. We’re all human. We are sentient beings. We need to feel and experience things because that is our nature. For some, that’s a lot easier said than done. Ask me how I know this.
One of my coaches once told a story about falling in a hole. She compared dealing with difficult things to falling in a hole. When you fall in a hole, do you spend your time analyzing why you fell in the hole? Do you ruminate over whether it was your childhood experiences, bad parenting, emotional or physical abuse, or some other external factor that made you fall in the hole? Or do you focus on just getting yourself out of the hole and look at all that other stuff later? See, looking at all that other stuff isn’t a worthless exercise and when it’s safe to do so, it may be helpful. Dwelling on it won’t get you out of the damned hole, but taking action will.
I was thinking about that story today and how applicable it can be to the current situation. Yes, you need to feel all the feelz, and allow yourself to pass through all the stages of grief as you learn how to deal with your new normal. The determining factor as to whether you’ll come out of this stronger (in my opinion) will be whether you choose to stay there, or whether you choose to find ways to climb out of the hole. It’s true that some people will take longer to grieve than others. We all deal with grief in different ways. But many people choose to stay mired in analysis and worry about things over which they have no control instead of learning how to accept what is/was, acknowledge it, and let it go so they can move on. It’s a learning process, to be sure, and the harsh reality is that it ultimately is your choice. Even if you’re dealing with mental health disorders, there are things you can do, whether it’s adjusting your medication, learning to be more gentle with yourself when you need to take a day in bed or away from everyone, talking to your therapist, or simply taking a walk. I realise that’s an oversimplification - I know many who battle with depression, including some I’ve lost. It is real, and it’s not my intent to minimize it. But for those of us who don’t deal with depression?
With choice comes responsibility. It’s a double-edged sword. If you really do want to move yourself forward, how about starting with a bit of self-compassion? Somehow we seem to end up as the last priority on our list, and you’ve probably heard this many times before - you can’t pour from an empty cup. In the midst of all that we’re experiencing, if you keep falling in the hole, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT! Listen to your self-talk. What does it sound like? Do you say things you would easily say to another person? If not, it’s time to regroup and re-frame. Self-talk and self-compassion are a great starting point because they are things we can control. Learning to shift your self-talk will take you out of the hole faster than any other skill you can master. Again, ask me how I know this.
Self-compassion isn’t about giving yourself permission to get mired down in self-destructive behaviour, it’s about being kind to yourself. It’s about learning to be your own best friend. Because you are. Self-compassion is about giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling, while at the same time, giving yourself a hand-up. Self-compassion is learning that you are worthy of everything you give to others. When you practice it regularly, you’ll be amazed at how quickly your mind will shift. You will eventually be able to stop falling in the hole. And even if you do fall into the hole once in a while, the way out will be so familiar to you that you won’t even have to think about how to get out - you’ll just do it.
If you want to put yourself on a trajectory toward better health, toward self-improvement, toward reaching your goals, start from the inside. Get out of the hole and take one simple step. Focus on your self-talk. Exercise your self-compassion muscles. You’re worth it.
Have a health of a day,
Juli