Happy New Year! And other random thoughts.
I remember when the year 2000 seemed like forever away and I used to think about how OLD I would be when it came. And here we are, a week into 2018 already! It really is amazing how quickly time flies, whether you're having fun or not.
Each time we've faced a new year I've generally spent a lot of time thinking about how I want it to be different. How it will be MY year, the year when everything changes and miraculously becomes better and maybe even perfect. I'm going to become the model of health and fitness, organization and ambition, and I'm going to live the kind of life that we usually only read about in magazine articles written by those who would like us to think that this is what their lives are like every day. Riiiight.
The truth is, I gave up on making New Year's Resolutions a long time ago. I got tired of making a long list of all the things I would do or all the things that would somehow be different or perfect, and then not doing any of them out of pure rebellion (or exhaustion from having made a list so unrealistic that even starting wasn't going to be possible). That doesn't mean I don't think it's a good idea to take a look back at what has happened, or a look ahead to do some goal planning. My husband and I typically do that together on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. It's great to look back and remember all the great things that happened, the special moments with family and friends, and the great places you've been able to visit. Gratitude is an incredibly powerful thing. We also usually talk about what we'd like to accomplish in the coming year (individually as well as together) so that we are better able to focus on what's important. No sense reaching the end of another 12 months and wondering why we're another year older and haven't done anything we said we wanted to.
This year it all feels different for me. We were blessed to have family and friends visiting for two weeks over the holidays, so we didn't end up having our ritual review and goal planning session together (yet - not having done it on the 31st or 1st doesn't mean it can't still be done). But it's different this year because for the first time in my life I feel settled. As far as we know we will be living in this house for the foreseeable future. Ian is in a solid job where I expect he will stay for some time. I am studying a program that will help me (finally) catapult my Italian business into existence, once I can figure out how to navigate Italian bureaucracy in that regard. I'm actually writing down what my business plan might look like and the resources I already have in place to help make it happen. It was all well and good being able run my business as a sideline while having a full-time job back in the US, but now it's going to be real. REALLY real, in the sense that it will be my only job. So it's scary, and exciting, and freeing, and a relief, and lots of other things, to think that it's actually going to happen. It has been a long haul. But I digress.
Again, this year is different. Not only am I feeling settled for the first time since I can remember, but I'm also feeling free from the burden of having to be (or thinking I have to be) someone I don't want to be. I've always felt pressure to pursue a certain path or behave in a certain way or to be someone I didn't really want to be, simply because of the expectations of others. One result of my PN client journey (as well as my current L2 certification journey), is I now know that the only thing I have to be is myself. While you're never too old to start a new life, in reality, there is a limited lifespan remaining in which I get to explore my goals and passions and desires. And while I'm still working on figuring out exactly who I am, it's a pretty freakin' awesome journey to be on. As are my goals and passions and desires. I hope you'll stay along for the ride.
So, back to the whole New Year's Resolutions thing. How many times have you made them? How long have they lasted? WHY did you make them? Is it because they were things you wanted to do, or because they were things you thought you should do? Did you think that by accomplishing them you would somehow transform into someone else or that your life would suddenly become perfect? And if so, why do/did you think you needed to be different? Is anything ever actually perfect? These are deep questions, but ones I think are worth answering. As I said, this year is different for me, but at the end of 2017 it wasn't looking like it would be.
You see, once again life got in my way. I got sidetracked by 2 (separate) thumb surgeries, which left me unable to do even the most mundane daily tasks on my own for a period of about 6 months (like not even being able to tie my own shoes to go walking or work out). There were some really stressful things going on in my personal life that gave me anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I was spending extended periods of time alone, and when I felt sad I made sure to stay even more isolated (don't want to make others feel bad, right?). I was spiralling down into depression and rode that wave for several months. I made it worse by chastising myself for not having the capacity to be "stronger than that" or to just "shake it off" and move on. I knew better but didn't do better, so therefore I reminded myself constantly what a loser I was. Just a little bit of self-compassion would have gone a long way. Indeed I've learned some great tools through my PN journey(s), and applying them works 100% of the time. But, behaviours that have been learned, practised, and ingrained over a lifetime won't just evaporate because I've learned something new. It takes a lot of practice. And getting it wrong. And practising again. And getting it wrong again. And so on. That's just how life is, whether you're learning a new skill, changing habits, or simply living. We're human, therefore we're fallible. And it's really, really OK.
Still, were it not for the fact that family and friends came to stay with us for a couple of weeks over the holidays, I'm not really sure where my headspace would have been come New Year's Eve. Their arrival was quite timely. It forced me out of my own head, allowed me to have some meaningful conversations with people I deeply respect and admire, and helped me to see that no matter what is going on in my life there is always something I can do to exercise self-compassion. And if that means a few days of watching movies and eating popcorn or getting lost in a book, that's OK. Or if it means jumping on a train and exploring a new town, walking 15 miles, getting lost in the kitchen, or just meditating, that's OK too. I also realised that even if I don't feel all that sociable, I need to be around people. While I may worry that I'm not much fun to be around when I'm feeling stressed or sad, the truth is that being around other people, and maybe even being able to help someone else, are great ways to feel better.
I think the bigger benefit from all the conversations was getting a decent verbal (lovingly delivered) slapping. While my confidence sometimes wanes, I do actually have something to contribute to the world. And I'm really lucky because the things I have to contribute to the world also are the things that make me happy. Additionally, I've realised that having big, scary goals is all well and good, but if I don't ever take steps toward realising them they will remain big and scary, as they have for the past many years. The days go by anyway, so why not take a few steps down the path and see how it feels? And when (not if) I make mistakes along the way, I will learn something from them. And I can take that new feedback and correct my course and continue forward. I've always known that logically, but of course convincing our emotional mind is the trick. That's where the thinky brain is a helpful guide. Otherwise, a list of New Year's resolutions could look something like this:
- Lose more pounds than I actually have to lose
- Suddenly enjoy leaping out of bed at 5:30 am daily
- Magically have a green smoothie every morning
- Never drink alcohol again
- Stop eating anything that isn't considered diet food
- Do yoga sun salutations on the terrace every day because it sounds cool
- Exercise twice a day, 6 days a week because that's the only way to get in shape
- Study 8 hours a day because I'm superwoman and I can do that
- Volunteer 5 hours a week for a community organization, which eventually leads to 15-20 because I can't ever say NO to anything
- Clean and scrub the house daily so it's always perfect when anyone comes by
- Be a perfect role model so potential clients think I'm amazing and want to hire me
That's actually not too far away from what my resolutions used to look like. Which is why I don't make them anymore. This year, I've made a list of intentions instead. Here's what it looks like:
- Enjoy daily movement of some kind, including a mixture of strength training and fun activities for active recovery. My body and mind both love being physically active, and not only am I worth the effort, but it also makes me feel great and I'm nicer to be around.
- Try a new activity at least once a quarter.
- Spend time reviewing and reflecting each week, and planning activities that will move me toward my goals, big and small.
- Exercise self-compassion, especially when I'm feeling stressed or sad.
- Maintain a gratitude journal to help me focus on all the good things in my life.
- Be kind to others, always. Who knows what battles they might be fighting?
- Communicate regularly with family and friends and let them know that they are loved. I've lost too many people in the past year and am reminded how important that is.
- Find a way to get the rest my body needs, even if it means taking a nap now and then.
- Be forgiving of others, and especially of myself.
- Eat the right quantities of foods that nourish my body, because it deserves my kindness.
- Take good care of my skin, because it feels and looks better when I do. And so do I.
- Take care of my soul by doing things that make me happy. Life is too short to save those activities for "someday."
- Do something at least once per week that moves me toward one of my big, scary goals.
- Don't wait for a new year to set, start, or re-direct goals. There's no better time than right now.
- Travel.
- Keep learning.
- Smile.
So, how are you going to look at the year ahead?
Have a health of a day,
Juli